"They Should Just Adopt"

Driving home from our long day of meetings and tests at Stanford, my husband James looks over at me and says, "So...are we going to have more kids?"  We both kind of laugh and I reply, "uhh...I don't know..."
You see  years ago, like 5 -I know not long but trust me it feels more like a decade at times, James and I discussed how many children we wanted.  We always felt like three sounded like a good number.  It was never set in stone but 2 didn't feel right and 4 felt a little crazy. So we just went into life and parenthood with that number on our hearts.
After we had Kareese, parenthood quickly looked a lot different than what we had planned, hoped, dreamed of, or imagined.  Kareese was born with a meconium ileus (bowel blockage) and after no poop for two days was life flighted to UC Davis where she spent 8 days in the NICU on oral medication and enemas to break up the blockage, and they worked.  She was later diagnosed with CF and thus began this journey.....but that's a whole other blog post, or several!
Anyways back to parenthood.  No parenthood for us looked so different.  It hurts way more than we could have EVER imagined but it is also so much more joyful and fulfilling than I could ever put into words.
After we had Kareese we said, "Ok if our next baby has CF we might have to rethink this whole 3 kids thing."  CF is hard.  Watching your child take countless medication and do hours of therapy a day is not fun.  Its work, so much work.  But, watching your child grow and thrive is amazing.  Seeing her run, laugh, grow a nice little chubby belly is so fulfilling. Hearing people say, "Wow! she looks so healthy!" or, "She doesn't look sick."  Fills us with pride and a sense of accomplishment,  "Take that CF *fist punch*"  The joy far out weights the pain.
The last few days I have really been wrestling with this, "Why don't they just adopt" idea.  No one has said it to my face, I think they know better, but I have heard that some have made that comment and that is totally fine.  Yes to some extent maybe adoption would be easier, maybe the pain of parenthood would hurt less....but does it every hurt less?
Adoption is great, and so needed in our broken world and someday we may go down that road.  But that road will not be without pain.
For me, right now, choosing adoption looks like living in fear.  Its saying, "Whoa Lord, I don't know you got this.  I don't think you have a plan for my life or for my children.  I don't think you can do what you HAVE promised to do.....so we are going to try this instead."  Until the Lord calls us to adoption we will continue to have the babies God has called James and I to have.
If we lived in fear.  If we had chosen to NOT try to get pregnant again....we wouldn't be where we are now.  I wouldn't be writing this blog.  I wouldn't be growing a sweet little boy inside my womb.....inside, he is a part of me.  If I lived in fear I wouldn't feel his precious little hiccups throughout the day.  I wouldn't fall asleep every night to his rhythmic soft movement in my belly or wake up to his little bicycle kicks each morning.  If I lived in fear I wouldn't be feeling another soul growing inside of me, inside...we are one right now.
If I lived in fear I would be missing this opportunity for the Lord to show his love for my family.  I would miss all the ways He has provided for us and all the subtle ways He has been preparing us for this baby.
If I lived in fear......I would probably be able to skip over this sizable heart ache.  But I have been here before, two years ago exactly.  And friends, it is soooo worth it.  My babies are sooo worth it.  They bring so much joy and hope into this world.  They are changing lives and ushering in Gods love to this broken world.  There is beauty in the pain.  And I wouldn't give up this pain because I would be missing out on so much joy and beauty.  
None one knows the struggles each of us will face, the pain that lies ahead. The healthy babies with no genetic mutation who may fall ill.  But once you work through the pain the beauty and joy is so sweet!


For anyone not reading out story up to this point, I apologize. My blogs might be a little confusing.  I hope to add to "our story" and "about me" pages soon for more clarity!