Saturday, June 20, 2015

What the Nicu robs

We have been home for 26 days, two days longer than our 24 day Nicu stay. A long, hard, emotional, and draining 24 days, over a month total away from home. As hard as it was we are so so thankful for all the staff at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford. All of the nurses, doctors, surgeons, repository therapists, child life team, and social workers, went above and beyond for our family. We could never thank them enough.
Henry is doing so well now and I hope to write a future post about his birth and a more detailed description of our Nicu stay. But for now I'm going to process through what I feel tonight.
Tonight I feel robbed. I look at my seven week old and notice all the ways he has changed since birth. That biggest two being his size and weight. I am so happy and relieved that he is growing and gaining  but his newborniss is slowly leaving and I feel like I missed out on it. Yes I have been with him every day since he was born but those first 24 days were such a distraction and stress filled that I feel like I was robbed of his newborn days. We didn't get to bring him home and lay low in the house with newborn snuggles, and a quiet sleepy home. We didn't get to show him off right away to friends and family. Instead we sat on worn out rockers in a bright florescent room surrounded by other sick babies and beeping machines. There we sat staring at our baby missing those first days at home. I feel like I missed out. Like I sat there in that  rocker filled with worry while missing out on the joys of being home with my newborn. Maybe this is more of a fantasy. I know all moms miss those newborn stages but for me I just feel robbed of them. My baby is quickly growing and I long for him to stay little forever.

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